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Thursday, 18 June 2009

  • Where Did I Go?

    Good question, I don't know.
    I sincerely doubt anyone's still reading this Xanga which doesn't bother me, I have a secret one now that I prefer much better because I can rant about anything, anonymously. It's like a diary with connections, or something.
    I'm struggling a lot, and I'm fighting too. This life won't break me, and I just recently figured that out.

    I don't think I'll update this again anytime soon. If you want to talk to me, call me, facebook me, come see me face to face.
    <3

Thursday, 01 January 2009

  • Sun Comes Up

    2009.
    This is kind of my in between year...I mean, nothing important happens [or so I think and hopefully will be proved wrong by]. I turn 19. It's the in-between birthday that no one gives a shit about. I continue the med program. Woohoo. I'm real excited.

    But...
    I always have high hopes for a new year, because that's the type of person I am.
    I hope that this year, I'll have someone to kiss at midnight when the ball drops in Times Square.
    Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get to be there in Times Square.
    This year maybe I can lose the weight I've been working on losing so I can feel better about myself.
    I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm excited nonetheless.

    Know what I did for New Year's? I went to a friend's house with five other people and we had a huge sleepover, like middle school. We played marathon Apples to Apples and finished the whole deck, and we watched ABC obsessively until after midnight when the Jonas Brothers came on then we screamed like preteen girls.  When the ball dropped in Times Square again at midnight for our time zone we were watching on tv with our boots and coats on and we ran outside and screamed 2009 to the neighborhood and ran around the street like headless chickens and danced to the fireworks the neighbors were setting off.
    It was literally the best new year's I've ever had.
    And I haven't felt that good in six months at least.
    I miss my old life.
    I love my friends.
    I miss him. Not him exactly, but I miss who I thought he was and who I wanted him to be. I liked having him around because I liked having someone's love and knowing that I had someone wrapped around my little finger. I don't think I miss HIM exactly.
    I don't know what I think anymore. All I know is that I almost called him last night at midnight to wish him happy New Year and then I realized that I couldn't anymore.

    Random thoughts of the day:
    I used guys a lot last year and the year before. I took 'em, broke their heart, and threw 'em back just because I liked having the power. In the process, I also hurt myself because I became really cold and slightly out-there which really isn't who I am. I just really liked the attention I guess, because I wasn't used to it. I'm sorry to those guys, because you deserved much better. I'm going to elaborate on this later. Because I need to. To apologize.

    I want to go to Rio de Janero sometime.

    I ate way too much in the last two days.

    I should stop drinking so much soda.

    I have bad reactions to caffeine.

    Girls can be real bitches. I'm helping a friend with relationship stuff, and he's having issues with her because she's being selfish but of course he's too in love to notice. Yeah. I don't know what to say because I don't want to insult him but he shouldn't take it, either, because I know how we can be sometimes and he deserves better.

    I'm watching Bones right now. I love that show. I think I've seen all of the episodes though, so this is just a memory refresher.

    Clocks are funny. I don't like time.

    Okay bye.


Tuesday, 30 December 2008

  • New Year's Resolutions Part 2- at 1am. Peachy.

    I enjoy lists. Even if no one reads them. Why do I post them on Xanga, then? Because maybe I'm hoping SOMEONE will read them, relate to them, and I'll feel less alone in this cold cold world that we live in. No, I'm not a sissy, I'm just in a mood. You know, one of those poetic, free-spirit moods? I don't know if you know. But I know. So it doesn't matter if you know.

    What is this list, you ask? Well, keep reading. Maybe you'll find out. Then again, maybe this is just for me, but I put it out there so other lost and wandering souls like myself can find some light at the end of the damn tunnel. Stupid tunnel.

    1) Broken is a relative term. I wish there were more words for this feeling than just one word, just like I wish that there were more words for love than just love. In all different languages across the world, "love" can be broken down, subdivided, into different kinds of love: family love, romantic love, fuck-me love. I guess in some ways it's good that we have such sparse vocabularies because then we can fool ourselves into thinking he means one thing, or I meant it this way, when really we didn't/they didn't/he didn't.

    I feel broken sometimes. I think a lot of us do, but I think it's very relative and you can't tell someone their problems don't matter because they definitely matter, if not to anyone else, then to me. I'm emotional, what can I say. I'm broken. Yes. It feels good to admit it. Now I just have to fix it, because relying on someone else to do that for me is so stupid that I should have realized it a while ago.

    2) I have epiphanies either a) in the shower or b) during my dreams in the middle of the night. I'll wake up and be forced to confront deep-seated issues in my subconscious.

    3) I want to know everyone's story. I want to know your story. Tell me your story. Because our stories make us who we are, it's our experiences that shape our behavior, and without our stories we would be nothing. Even if the stories are all lies, it still tells us something about ourselves. We can make up stories about ourselves but it'll still be an explanation of something inside of us trying to get out.

    Everyone has a story; that asshole that cut you off in traffic this morning, he has a story, maybe his wife is in labor at the hospital and he's in a really big hurry. That chick in front of you at the grocery store this morning, maybe she was buying all the wine because she's having a girls night with her best friend. That bitch who never shuts the hell up in class, maybe she's like that because she doesn't know what it's like to have someone's attention, so she has to have everyone's all at once.

    Don't judge people before you know their stories, because you could be all wrong. I think everyone should write their stories out and give them to the people that think they know them because I guarantee you none of us knows each other as well as we think.

    4) Sometimes I scare the shit out of myself. I can do scary things sometimes, and it's frightening to realize how much damage I have/could have inflicted on myself in the past.

    5) I'm afraid of becoming a crack addict or an alcoholic more than anything else in my entire life. More than I'm scared of ending up alone. I don't smoke crack, or any other drugs like that, but it's in such easy access and I'm sure I would think it could make my problems go away for a little, at least until I OD'd or became wholly dependent on it. I have an addictive personality, which is why I never know my limit when I'm drinking. I become addicted to everything, and that's something I need to learn how to control. New Year's resolution? I think so.

    6) I feel like I'm missing opportunities but I don't know what else to do. I'm in a prestigious medical program, I have wonderful loving parents, I have friends who care about me, a bright future ahead of me, but I'm coming so close to throwing it all away. I wonder what would happen sometimes if I just ditched this shit and ran away to New York City to start all over, maybe if I was a bartender, or I waited tables, or I sang at coffeeshops, tried to make something of myself other than what the path is for me. I feel like testing fate. I think that's something else that contributes to my fear of myself: I can be dangerous and volatile sometimes. Some people call that "spunk" but that's not the right word for it.

    7) I want the house in the suburbs, white picket fence, kids, husband, dog, nice career. But I also want to live in between now and then. I want "then" to be sometime soon, preferably in the next ten years, so that "now" can be over.

    8) I don't know what living means. Is it getting shitfaced with people you think are your friends? No, I really don't think so, because those people are just as fucked up as I am and there's no reason to look up to them and want to be like them at all. Is it going clubbing and dancing like there's no tomorrow? I don't think so, because my clubbing experience only involves booze.

    Why do I equate "living" to alcohol or some sort of hallucinogenic out of body substance? What is my problem? I think living doesn't mean alcohol. I think it means doing what you want to do, having fun, and being in the moment. I'm planning on living it up New Year's Eve with some friends I haven't seen in a year, with absolutely no alcohol, in someone's living room, with the tv on and pizza in my pjs. Is that living? You bet your ass it is. I think I'm getting somewhere.

    9) College is slowly sucking my soul out of my ass. I was never such a dumbass before. Well maybe I was. But I didn't have the means to be my dumbass self, and I managed to keep everything in check before. Unfortunately now my inner dumbass is shining through. What the fuck? These are supposed to be the best years of my life. I don't THINK SO.

    10) I'm getting an apartment in about six months. I'm moving out of the dorms with two people I trust to keep me out of trouble and to keep me motivated. I'm growing the fuck up because I can't stand being stuck with all these other people living what they think is their life and pretending to be something they're not. I'm not a genius, but I'm not stupid, and I'm starting to figure out who I am, no thanks to YOU.

    YEAH YOU ALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. You're not helping me with my life, you're screwing it up along with your own. I thought I wanted to be your friend, but hell no, why would I want to be friends with people who think they're so cool when really they have no idea what the hell the big picture is all about? At least I'm working on it...what are you doing right now? You're probably passed out on someone's couch or lighting up a joint and talking shit about how fucked up you're gonna be on the first day of second semester. Have a great time, and I hope you fucking find what the fuck you're looking for.

    Sorry for the language on the tangent.

    I'm moving out. I'm growing up. I'm also growing a pair. Even though I'm a girl, and don't need a pair, I'm getting some anyway. And they're gonna be balls of steel. Just try and bust them, bitches. I will throw it back at you faster than you can say "fuck me sideways".

    Yeah I'm single, and we'll see if that changes, but if it doesn't at least I'm happy right now with where I am, in my parents' house, lying in my old bed with my old ass stuffed animals tucked in beside me. This is the one place I know where I am and I can actually feel a sense of my old self. I've been moving too far away from that person and I don't know or like who I'm becoming. And it's in my power to change that. I've been saying this for such a long time that I don't know why I didn't fucking do this sooner. I have the power. Do you hear me? I have the power over my life.

    It's just me and God, and everyone else can get in line to try and get to me, okay? My apartment, with MY friends, you know, the real ones, not the fake ones. My life, my car, my happiness, my music, my studies, my grades, my family, my choice. So I'm gonna fix this shit. Excuse me while I figure out my life.

    New Year's resolution? ALL OF THE ABOVE.

    PostSecret that I think sums it all up. HAPPY 2009!

      

Monday, 29 December 2008

  • Top Songs of 2008 and More To Come Later

    Have you ever had a song that you can't listen to anymore because it reminds you of something?

    So if you hear it on the radio in the car, you immediately have to change the station, but it doesn't do any good because it's already in your head?

    My song was from two years ago, I think, Fidelity by Regina Spektor. I used to love that song but I loved it because it was OUR song, me and him. And now it's just me.

    And that song bothers me. That's a random side note on my list. Okay go.



    1. You Found Me- The Fray
    Seriously? You can't get any better than this song. It's so pretty sounding. And it means something. Because you know how much I hate to listen to pointless shit unless it's like, T.I., because his pointless shit music is pretty good. <Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me>

    2. Where I Stand- Missy Higgins
    I actually don't know how old this song is, I just discovered it on my iTunes a while ago, but it's one of those downer songs that you can't help playing at 2am when you're in a bubble bath crying your eyes out over some asshole. Or maybe it's just me. <I don't know who I am, who I am, without you...all I know is that I should>

    3. The entire Viva La Vida album by Coldplay, because seriously, each song is better than the next. Why else would I pay a hundred bucks for the worst seats in the house at the Coldplay concert last month?

    4. Ride It- Jay Sean
    My best friend introduced me to this sexy Sikh rapper. We should find a Bollywood club that plays this song lol.

    5. Everything I Ask For- The Maine
    Such a real song. Not something you find all that often. I actually hadn't heard of them until a few weeks ago.

    6. Lovebug- Jonas Brothers
    I fell in love with this song first through the video, and I want this played at my wedding. Hands down the most romantic song I've heard besides Stolen by Dashboard Confessional. Yeah, yeah, I know it's the Jonas Brothers, but I hope this song one day means much more to me than Fidelity every did.<I never thought that I'd catch this lovebug again>

    7. Superhuman- Chris Brown feat. Keri Hilson
    First off, Chris Brown is awesome. Secondly, Keri Hilson rocks. So putting the two of them together makes a sweet little love ballad that makes me think of a happy chick flick that I wish my life was like. Aww. <You changed my whole life, don't know what you're doing to me with your love, I'm feeling all superhuman...>

    8. Crush- David Archuleta
    Okay, anyone that's heard this song knows why it's hardcore awesome. I'm not even going into an explanation. Or lyrics.

    9. Chasing Pavements- Adele
    I really like depressing music, so it's only fitting that this is one of those. Her voice is probably the best voice I've heard since Joss Stone. Oh, and the video's really strange and depressing. I think chasing pavements is something we do all too much.<Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere>

    10. Boom- Anjulie
    I barely know this song, because I just discovered it from one of those obscure music blogs that I read like a freak. But she's brown :] And she sounds like M.I.A. which reminds me...

    11. Paper Planes- M.I.A.
    Hello, the defining song of the year. Who can forget the gunshots? This makes me want to go start a revolution.

    12. The Show- Lenka
    Yeah I heard this on the radio in the car and I had to google the lyrics right when I got home. This is an incredibly powerful song for being so pop-ish and cute, but if you listen to the lyrics it's pretty cool. I need to friggin' scream this from the rooftops.<I'm just a little bit caught in the middle, life is a maze and love is a riddle>

    13. Shattered- OAR
    I used to hate OAR because I couldn't relate to them, but this song really caught me for some reason. This is the type of song I would listen to if I felt like dancing in the rain. I feel like this is the soundtrack to my life. Breaking, shattering, hurting, healing, crying, falling. I'm not that sappy. Shut up.<How many times can I break til I shatter, over the line can't define what I'm after>

    14. 7 Things- Miley Cyrus
    SHUT UP OKAY I REALLY LIKE THIS SONG

    15. Can I Have This Dance- High School Musical 3
    STOP JUDGING ME DAMMIT

    16. Warwick Avenue- Duffy
    This chick's voice is crazy cool, and this song is radically underplayed everywhere so you can't get sick of it. It has that old school vibe to it. I'm listening to this whole album over and over because it's just very old school and makes me want someone to cuddle with really bad.<Don't think we're okay just because I'm here, you hurt me bad but I won't shed a tear>

    17. Turnin' Me On/Off- Keri Hilson
    The best clubbing song of the year, it even beats Lil' Wayne but only because he's on this track too. She has some pretty warped beats on here and I totally love her lines. <Wait a minute little buster, now you don't even know me but you wanna take me shopping, you a lame, I cant tell it ain't big
    shit poppin', you turnin me off, better recognize a real woman>

    18. Run- Leona Lewis
    Apparently this is way bigger in Europe than here, but anything Leona does is awesome so yeah. Her voice makes me want to cry or laugh or maybe both at the same time. Of course Snow Patrol kicks ass all by themselves, but putting Leona's voice to the lyrics really does wonders to the song. Which also reminds me...

    19. Crack The Shutters- Snow Patrol
    It's Snow Patrol! What else can I say?

    20. If U Seek Amy, Circus, Womanizer- by the one and only Britney Spears
    Yes, I have an unhealthy respect for her. Shut up. Whatever. She rocks. KISS MY ASS!

    21. Love Story- Taylor Swift
    Actually I love the whole album. So just kidding.

    22. If I Were A Boy- Beyonce
    Actually I love the whole album...so once again, jk.

    23. Coldest Winter, See You In My Nightmares, Robocop, Heartless- Kanye
    Nope, still love the whole album. Kanye's voice, as opposed to Leona's, makes me want to either fall in love right now or have an orgasm of awesomeness.

    24. T-Shirt- Shontelle
    She's like Rihanna, only with cuter songs and not as fierce. But this song is still a girl anthem, and it's a classic to me just because we can all relate to this, can't we? <Nothing feels right when I'm not with you, sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos, taking them off cause I feel a fool, trying to dress up when I'm missing you>

    25. It's Over- Jesse McCartney
    He's way cute and he got better at singing too lol. This song, plus the video, make me want to comfort him in the worst ways. Hello broken hearts.

    26. And finally- Big Bad World by the Plain White T's
    The whole album rocks, and I was never really into the Plain White T's to begin with. So check it out.


    SIDENOTE: Lil Wayne is just awesome, as is TI, so there's no point at all in mentioning them :)

    Yeah. This year was a good year for music.


    Also, I've decided that my New Year's resolutions are fucked so I need to redo them, which I will do later tonight when I feel introspective.     You know what else is fucked? The economy. Oh, and my life.


    I just like this postcard from Post Secret. Heh.

Saturday, 27 December 2008

queenofdesi

  • Visit queenofdesi's Xanga Site
    • Name: Rika
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 2/20/2006

About Me

  • I'm in medical school. I'm tired a lot. I want to sleep more than I party and that's something I should work on. I don't know what I'm doing half the time or why I'm doing it--please help me figure this out. I want to achieve [something] and be [someone]. I'm learning how to be independent, because you have to love yourself before anyone can love you.

Pulse

Photostrip

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